


Retired From Ourselves

by RainbowArches



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A swear word, M/M, Nick and Akela are having a second childhood, Poor Mike, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-17 17:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2317778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowArches/pseuds/RainbowArches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike, Nick and Akela find themselves while hunting Hydra cells.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Retired From Ourselves

The Woods

Nick and Akela are making smores, upon Akela’s insistence. Mike watches their faces light up against the fire. He sits apart from them, disconnected. All he can do is watch and listen with numb empathy. He doesn't feel the way he used to. He feels twinges of emotion; anger, longing; cares because he should. Tired becomes his entire feeling. He's drained. He's not driven by feeling like he was.  
Mike is not indifferent to this mission. He's not invested in it either. He remembers when he would have been eager to help. Director Fury sought him out personally; that practically makes him a Shield agent, right? But Shield holds no meaning for him anymore. He's not an agent; neither is Akela. Director Fury is just Nick now; just a guy who needs their help. They're ghosts.

Smores had not been on Nick's agenda, but Akela persuaded him and he's glad she did. This is fun. He can finally stop being the Director without feeling bitter about it.  
This doesn’t feel like Shield, what they're doing. That used to be his least favorite thing about this mission. But now it's simple. Rescue Shield agents, take down Hydra; he's getting into the swing of things, especially now that he has company. He’s not the boss of these two. He’s the leader when he needs to be, but otherwise…  
The fall of Shield hurt, still does. He was depressed when he was on his own, like he'd been fired or disowned. But he has learned to accept the loss; the fall was bound to happen, was inevitable from the start, before he was even born. Next time will be better; the world still needs Shield, even if Shield doesn't need him.

Akela is nothing if not adaptable. Shield is not the first home she's lost. And while she's sad that it's gone, she feels somehow lighter. She survived; maybe that's it. She was always pushing herself to be the best, aiming for perfection in everything. And that wasn't about Shield, not really; she'd always been like that. But now that all she has is a mission and this make-shift family, she's happy with herself, with her accomplishments. There's no system to prove herself to. She knows she's good; nothing else matters.  
She's all about the experience now; the journey. She's learning to appreciate things she took for granted or never cared about. Hence the smores. While she takes this mission seriously, they are going to do camping right, damn it. Watching the ex-Director roast the shit out of some marshmallows just because he can, she thinks she's getting her point across. She can give them this.

Mike doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know how he relates to these two, what his role is in this mission. He watches as they each make him a smore. They set them aside in case he decides to come over. He considers it, thinking it'll be warmer over there. But he stays where he is. He can feel the warmth from here.

The Sandbox

Mike stands in his usual place behind the trees and shrubs, waiting for recess. He's early; this is the last time he’ll be in the city for the foreseeable future- Nick is packing them into the helicopter tonight- and he doesn't want to miss Ace. He can see Nick and Akela in the sandbox. They’ll hide with him when the kids come out, but in the meantime they are enjoying the privacy of the playground. They'd asked him to join, but he probably won't. It would feel like and intrusion, even without the kids.

Nick likes the sandbox, likes feeling the sand run through his fingers. He can’t remember the last time he’d been to the playground, and is unsure of what to do with himself. He felt silly at first, but following Akela's lead he's getting the hang of it, starts to feel comfortable. He certainly feels no inclination to hide in the bushes. He wishes Mike would join them; for once there's no need to hide and it's such a nice day. But he doesn’t push. While Nick and Akela often seek each other out, Mike keeps to himself. He does not crave company like Nick does, like Akela is starting to do. Mike is a solitary creature. And while Nick can understand why, he thinks Mike will get lost if he doesn't reach out soon.

Akela has played in this sandbox before, attended this school for a few years. She wonders if Ace likes it here, if he likes his teachers, if he gets along with the other kids. Akela never liked school. She loved learning and she loved playing, but she hated supervision, and her teachers always insisted that she socialize with the other kids. She didn’t like the other kids; they could never keep up. She likes the school better now that she doesn’t have to attend. She’ll probably relate to the kids better now, too, now that she's grown up. The playground is empty and peaceful. Nick keeps her company in companionable silence. This is how she likes it. She thinks Mike would like it too, but he's too scared of himself to find out.

Mike keeps his distance, like he always does. Ace doesn’t know he’s here. Nick and Akela are heading back to base to give him some privacy. Ace is playing with his friends in the sandbox that Nick and Akela had vacated moments before. He looks happy. Mike wishes he could be what Ace needs, but that will have to wait. Ace is strong; stronger than Mike. He doesn’t need to worry.

The Inn

Nick and Akela don’t hide their scars anymore. Mike thinks they’re trying to create solidarity for him. He wants to tell them that it’s not necessary, that it’s not the scars on his body that upset him, but he’s glad that they’re not hiding from them, so he doesn’t say anything.  
Nick and Akela are asleep. The inn is abandoned, like everything else. They’re in a ghost town. There’s supposed to be a Hydra cell here somewhere. The three of them are sharing a room, figuring they are safer in numbers. Nick and Akela have taken the bed; Mike is in a chair by the window, under the pretence of keeping watch. Really he just can’t sleep, isn’t sure that he wants to. He can control where his thoughts go if he is awake, can control his actions. He needs to be aware of himself at all times.  
He’s not sure what ‘himself’ means anymore. He’s in a limbo of selves; he refuses to be Deathlock, but he’s forgotten how to be Mike Peterson. He’s stuck, worn out. Nick and Akela make this whole rogue hero thing look easy. Akela called it freedom, but Mike feels like he's in exile.  
Nick is standing next to him. Mike is not startled by this, though he can’t remember Nick leaving the bed.  
“Come to bed; there’s plenty of room for you.”  
Mike looks at the bed, at how Akela’s small form takes up enough space already. “Looks crowded.”  
“I don’t mind. Neither of us mind.”  
"Someone needs to keep watch."  
"For what?"  
“I can’t sleep.”  
“You don't have to sleep. Just come to bed.”  
Mike doesn’t move, doesn’t look up, but he’s aware of Nick considering him. Then he feels a brush of lips on his. He isn’t surprised by this, thinks maybe he should have expected it.  
Nick’s kisses his head before standing up. “Please,” he says, taking Mike’s hand and tugging gently. Mike lets Nick haul him up and lead him to bed. Akela is still asleep, but seems to consciously make room for them as she shifts over.  
Nick crawls in and lies down. Mike still doesn’t feel like sleeping, and sits up awkwardly on the bed, but he doesn’t let go of Nick’s hand.


End file.
